Radio Roadies

Well, it's time now for our annual classic. We actually get requests for this. Just to lighten the load this time, I thought we would have a little fun as we again tackle the traffic tie-up reports. It's a hilarious look at the way traffic reports are handled on a wild, local, Urban/Urban AC morning show.

Traffic is one necessary element for drive-time shows in every market, regardless of format or city size. Although it could easily be done on an Urban AC station, this particular segment is taken from an actual wake-up team in a major market. Naturally, some of the names had to be changed to protect the "innocent" ... but not that much!

Let's get warmed up with a classic bit: as our traffic guy clocks a near-miss:

"Yo, everybody, this is Freeway Freddie with a look at rush-hour traffic from our Jammin' 102 "Eye in the Sky" chopper which, by the way, just narrowly missed clearing those power lines out by the international airport again. Then we would have had true traffic in effect.

"This traffic update is brought to you by Ditty Dainty Diaper Baby Services, who remind you, 'We're tops for babies' bottoms. And for you new first-time fathers, the trick is to keep one end full and the other end dry. And remember what we always say, 'Let us mangle your baby's triangle.'"

Okay ... so now that I've got you groovin', here's a killer traffic trilogy mixing one part celebrity sighting; one part toxic chemical spill and one more very important ingredient -- the station's latest promotion. Check it out:

"Looking down on the freeway now, we see a big, black Land Rover with some huge, chrome spinner mag wheels causing a slow down in the fast lane with flocks of folks trying to cop a stare at the star inside. The outer loop is bumper-to-bumper, as usual. So is the expressway inbound. So is I-95 leading into the city. It's Monday morning, and it's raining. The "sky juice" has broken loose and has traffic backed up to the Martin Luther King cross-ramp.

"Incidentally, if you have a cell phone and would like to report an accident or an incident, just hit us up or text us here at Traffic Central at 520-JAMM. Even if you, yourself, are involved, just wrap a tourniquet around any severed arteries as soon as you come to, then give us a call before your gas tank explodes and your airbag deploys (the one in your steering column).

"Checking the rest of the metro-area traffic, we do have one big accident to report. Right now we're hovering over the southbound I-95, where it looks like a tanker truck has overturned. Can't really see what the contents are, although there seems to be a fine white mist forming over the area and lots of folks with little mirrors are sneezing. Say, Commander Carl, see if you can take us down a little so we can cop a better look. Let's see. Whoa, my man, some more power lines there. Commander Carl, now we can make out a big Nuclear Regulatory Commission sticker on the side of the truck. And we can see teams of men in Mylex protective suits and masks sweeping the area with what appears to be radiation-measuring devices.

"Judging from the emergency vehicles rushing to the scene and the governor's helicopter landing on the median strip, it looks like traffic in the area could be tied up for a while. You might want to think about Phillips Road as a detour, although that seems to be filling up fast with evacuees and National Guard trucks jamming down the freeway. Yo, homies, not a good sign there. You know what I'm saying?

"Speaking of contamination, don't forget the Hot 102 Treasure Truck is on the road this morning, ready to show you the money and the music. You could score $1,000 in cash and that new iPhone, pre-loaded with the top-102 jams from our current playlist. Yes, some lucky listener could yank the music and the money. "So, if a black-on-black van wrapped with photos of Jeremih, Kanye, Hurricane Chris and Ciara driven by a wild-eyed brother with braids cuts you off, slams on the brakes and forces you to the shoulder of the road, don't reach into your glove compartment for that 9mm -- at least not yet. It might be our station manager, Bubba, and his new girlfriend, sexy Shanniqua.

"Here's the deal: Bubba will probably flash a fake Highway Patrol badge and ask you to slide out of your ride. Just assume the prisoner pat-down position -- put both hands on the hood and spread your feet. Then he or Shanniqua may ask you to rap a little of Young Money's 'Every Girl.' Hey, nothing comes easy.

"And, by the way, rap the song well and you could qualify for our grand prize: a funk-filled, all-expenses-paid weekend with MC Nails and Britney Spears as they kick off the West Coast leg of their 'Rehab Across America' tour. You remember MC Nails. He used to be lead rapper for 'The Peanut Butter Conspiracy.' That's the noise in your cupboard. Before that he was chief roadie for Stinky And Our Gang. First stop: We're going to throw in a week at the Betty Ford Clinic in Arizona, where you'll spend an evening in isolation with MC Nails as he sweats out the first part of his treatment for chemical dependency.

"We've got an update now on that overturned tanker on I-95. According to the Highway Patrol, the truck was southbound and carrying some sort of unprocessed uranium powder. UD-235, I think they said. No word yet on its shelf life. No word either on what caused the accident, although, strangely enough, our own Treasure Truck was supposed to be cruising that area. Bubba, if you're out there and can hear this, here's some good advice: Don't take a deep breath. You know what I'm saying?

"Recapping then: The beltway looks jammed. The south freeway looks bad. I-95 inbound is bumper-to-bumper. And don't even think about taking Interstate 5, at least not until the radiation levels dip below 5,000 rads per square foot and the all-clear siren sounds.

"Well, homies, that's a look a metro traffic. This is Freeway Freddie. We're outta here. Back in about 20 with an update, brought to you by Green Goddess Chlorophyll Soap, who reminds you, 'If your girl's neck is green, then you know your girl is clean.'"

Meanwhile, back at the studio....

"Thank you, Freeway Freddie. This is Mack in the Morning, along with Sunny Sheila and the rest of the Jammin'102 Crew, ready to lead it off with the most-requested song this morning from a local favorite, who's got a freaky, funky jam that has been remixed right here in our own Hot 102 blender, and it's bangin'.

"But first, let's check the weather. Look for continued sunny and hot today, tonight and tomorrow with a chance of late-afternoon or early-evening scattered thundershowers tomorrow. Low tonight, 53; high tomorrow, 82. Currently under sunny skies it's 72 at Jammin' 102, and this is new music from the Bridge Lady, and it's slammin'. It's called "The Post Office Song" -- or "When they operated on father, they opened mother's male." First of 8 in a row. Every time we start the music, you always hear at least 8 jams in a row -- long versions, of course."

Any similarity between actual stations, personalities, performers or traffic reporters is purely coincidental. We hope you enjoyed our little summer traffic fantasy. We'll return to our normal mode next week.

Word.