Radio Roadies

Traffic Trilogy -- In Effect

One involvement element for drive times in nearly every market, regardless of format, is the traffic report (even though it has changed and in some markets it's handled by a syndicator). Just to lighten the load this fall, I thought we would have a little fun with the traffic tie-ups as seen through the eyes of some of us who have been there.

Yo, everybody, this is Freeway Freddie with a look at rush-hour traffic from our Hot 102 "Eye in the Sky" chopper, which, by the way, just narrowly missed clearing those power lines out by the international airport again. Then we would have had "true traffic in effect."

This traffic update is brought to you by Ditty Dainty Diaper Baby Services, who remind you, "We're tops for baby's bottom. And for you new first-time fathers, the trick is to keep one end full and the other end dry. And remember what we always say, 'Let us mangle your baby's triangle.'"

Looking down on the freeway now, we see a black Mercedes G Wagon with some huge, chrome spinner mag wheels, causing a slow down in the fast lane as flocks of folks are staring at the star inside. The outer loop is bumper-to-bumper, as usual. So is the expressway inbound. So is I-95 leading into the city. It's Thursday morning, and it's raining. The "sky juice" has broken loose and has traffic backed up to the Martin Luther King cross ramp.

Incidentally, if you have a cell phone and would like to report an accident or an incident, just give us a call here at traffic central at 520-JAMM. Even if you, yourself, are involved, just wrap a tourniquet around any severed arteries as soon as you come to, then give us a call before your gas tank explodes and your airbag deploys (the one in your steering column). We'd love to hear from you.

Checking the rest of the metro-area traffic, we do have one big accident to report. Right now we're hovering over I-95, where it looks like a tanker truck has overturned. Can't really see what the contents are, although there seems to be a fine white mist forming over the area and lots of folks with little mirrors -- sneezing. Say, Commander Carl, see if you can take us down a little so we can cop a better look. Let's see. Whoa, my man, some more power lines there. Commander Carl, now we can make out a big Nuclear Regulatory Commission sticker on the side of the truck. And we can see teams of men in Mylex protective suits and masks sweeping the area with what appears to be radiation-measuring devices.

Judging from the emergency vehicles rushing to the scene and the governor's helicopter landing on the median strip, it looks like traffic in the area could be tied up for a while. You might want to think about Phillips Road as a detour, although that seems to be filling up fast with evacuees and National Guard trucks jamming down the freeway. Yo, homies, not a good sign there. You know what I'm saying?

Speaking of contamination, don't forget the Hot 102 You're a Winner Treasure Truck is on the road this morning, ready to give away even more of the jams we play, along with $1,000 in cash to some lucky listener on our "Thousand-Dollar Thursday Contest."

So if a black-on-black van that's wrapped with photos of Beyonce and Ludacris and is driven by a wild-eyed brother with braids cuts you off, slams on the brakes and forces you to the shoulder of the road, don't reach into your glove compartments for that 9mm -- at least not yet. It's probably our station manager, Bubba, and his girlfriend, sexy Shanniqua.

Here's the deal, Bubba will probably flash a fake Highway Patrol badge and ask you to get out of your ride. Just assume the prisoner-pat-down position: Put both hands on the hood, and spread your feet. Then he or Shanniqua may ask you to rap a little of Ludacris' "Money Maker." Hey, nothing comes easy.

And, by the way, rap the song well and you could qualify for our grand prize, a funk-filled, all-expenses-paid weekend with MC Nails as he kicks off the East Coast leg of his "Rehab Across America" tour. You remember MC Nails. He used to be lead rapper for "The Peanut Butter Conspiracy." That's the noise in your cupboard. Before that he was chief roadie for Stinky And Our Gang. First stop: the Betty Ford Clinic in Arizona, where you'll spend an evening in isolation with MC Nails as he sweats out the first part of his treatment for chemical dependency.

We've got an update now on that overturned tanker on I-95. According to the Highway Patrol, the truck was eastbound and carrying some sort of unprocessed uranium powder. UD-235, I think they said. No word yet on its shelf life. No word either on what caused the accident, although, strangely enough, our own Treasure Truck was supposed to be cruising that area.

Bubba, if you're out there and can hear this, here's some good advice: Don't take a deep breath. You know what I'm saying?

Recapping then: The beltway looks jammed. The south freeway looks bad. I-95 inbound is bumper-to-bumper. And don't even think about taking Interstate 5, at least not until the radiation levels dip below 5,000 rads per square foot and the all-clear siren sounds.

Well, homies, that's a look a metro traffic. This is Freeway Freddie. We're outta here. Back in about 20 with an update, brought to you by Green Goddess Chlorophyll Soap, who reminds you, "If your girl's neck is green, then you know your girl is clean."

Meanwhile, back at the studio....

Thank you, Freeway Freddie. This is Mack in the Morning, along with Sunny Sheila and the rest of the Hot 102 Crew, ready to do more of what we do, which is play music for you here on Hot 102, the station that came with a better game. We're all set to lead it off with the most requested song this morning from our favorite female, who's got a freaky, funky jam that has been remixed right here in our own Hot 102 blender, and it's bangin'.

And since this is another "Thousand Dollar Thursday," we want to remind you there are three ways to win the big bread; three ways for you to yank the long one from Hot 102. Be the 102nd caller when we tell you, know the phrase that pays and the total number of songs that we played when we call you, or have that removable bumper sticker on your car when our Treasure Truck spots you on the road. We'll give someone another chance to score, next.

But first, let's check the weather. Look for continued sun and heat today, tonight and tomorrow with a chance of late-afternoon or early-evening scattered thundershowers tomorrow. Low tonight, 53; high tomorrow, 82. Currently under sunny skies it's 72 at Hot 102, and this is new music from the Bridge Lady, Mary J., and it's slammin'. It's "The Post Office Song" -- "When they operated on father, they opened mother's male." First of 10 in a row. Every time we start the music, you always hear at least 10 jams in a row -- long versions, of course.

Any similarity between actual stations, personalities, performers or traffic reporters is purely coincidental.

We hope you enjoyed our little fall traffic fantasy. We'll return to our normal mode next week.

Word.