Traffic Terror From On High

Traffic Trouble Spots And The Wrecks They Cause

This time, I'd thought we'd repeat one of our most popular editorials. It's the only one we've ever repeated one, but I think you'll agree, this is probably our funniest and yet, most believable one, especially if you've ever done mornings and had to put up with traffic terrors.

Traffic is one necessary element for drive-times in every size market, regardless of format. I thought we would have a little fun with some funky traffic reports as seen through the eyes of some of us who have been there.

"Yo, everybody, this is Freeway Freddie with a look at rush-hour traffic from our Jammin' 102 'Eye in the Sky' chopper, which, by the way, just narrowly missed clearing those power lines out by the international airport again. Then we would've had 'true traffic in effect.'"

"This traffic update is brought to you by Ditty Dainty Diaper Baby Services, who remind you, 'We're tops for baby's bottom.' For you new first-time fathers, the trick is to keep one end full and the other end dry. Remember what we always say: 'Let us mangle your baby's triangle.'

"Looking down on the freeway now, we see a black Mercedes G Wagon with some huge, chrome mag wheels, causing a slowdown in the fast lane. as lots of folks are staring at the star inside. The outer loop is bumper-to-bumper as usual. So is the expressway inbound. So is I-95 leading into the city. It's Thursday morning and it's raining. The sky juice has broken loose and has traffic backed up to the Martin Luther King crossramp.

"Incidentally, if you have a cell phone and would like to report an accident or an incident, just give us a call here at Traffic Central at 520-JAMM. Even if you, yourself are involved, just wrap a tourniquet around any severed arteries as soon as you come to, then give us a call before your gas tank explodes and your air bag deploys (the one in your steering column). We'd love to hear from you.

"Checking the rest of the metro area traffic, we do have one big accident to report. Right now we've hovering over I-95, where it looks like a tanker truck has overturned. Can't really see what the contents are, although there seems to be a fine white mist forming over the area and lots of folks with little mirrors, sneezing. Say, Commander Carl, see if you can take us down a little so we can cop a better look. Let's see, whoa, my man, some more power lines there. Commander Carl, now we can make out a big Nuclear Regulatory Commission sticker on the side of the truck. And we can see teams of men in mylex protective suits and masks sweeping the area with what appears to be radiation measuring devices.

"Judging from the emergency vehicles rushing to the scene and the governor's helicopter landing on the median strip, it looks like traffic in the area could be tied up for a while. You might want to think about Phillips Road as a detour, although that seems to be filling up fast with evacuees and National Guard trucks jamming down the freeway. Yo, homies, not a good sign there, you know what I'm saying?

"Speaking of contamination, don't forget that the Jammin'102 'You're a Winner' Treasure Truck is on the road this morning, ready to give away some more of the jams we play, along with $5,000 in cash to some lucky listener on our 'Thousand-Dollar Thursday' contest.

"So if a black-on-black van wrapped with photos of Rick Ross and T-Pain on the sides, driven by a wild-eyed brother with braids cuts you off, slams on the brakes and forces you to the shoulder of the road, don't reach in your glove compartments for that 9mm -- at least not yet. It's probably our station manager, Bubba, and his new girlfriend, sexy Shannita.

"Here's the deal: Bubba will probably flash a fake highway patrol badge and ask you to get out of your ride. Just assume the "patdown position." Put both hands on the hood and spread your feet. Then he or Shannita may ask you to rap a little of Lil Wayne's 'Lollipop.' Hey, nothing comes easy. And, by the way, rap the song well and you could qualify for our grand prize -- a funk-filled, all-expenses-paid weekend with MC Nails as he kicks off the East Coast leg of his 'Rehab Across America' tour.' First stop: The Betty Ford Clinic, where you'll spend an evening in isolation with MC Nails as he sweats out the first part of his treatment for chemical dependency. If you lose, you get our consolation prize - a strapless wristwatch and a free cup with your name on it ... if your name is Dixie.

"We've got an update now on that overturned tanker on I-95. According to the Highway Patrol, the truck was eastbound and carrying some sort of unprocessed uranium powder ... UD-235, I think they said. No word yet on its shelf life. No word either on what caused the accident, although, strangely enough, our own Treasure Truck was supposed to be cruising that area.

"Bubba, if you're out there and you're listening, here's some good advice: Don't take a deep breath. You know what I'm saying?"

"Recapping then, the beltway looks jammed. The south freeway looks bad, I-95 inbound is bumper-to-bumper and don't even think about taking Interstate 5, at least not until the radiation levels dip below 5000 rads per square foot and the all-clear siren sounds."

"Anyway, that's a look a metro traffic. This is Freeway Freddie. We're outta here. Back in about 20 with an update, brought to you by Green Goddess Chlorophyll Soap, who reminds you, 'If your girl's neck is green, then you know your girl is clean.'"

Meanwhile, Back At The Studio ...

"Thank you, Freeway Freddie. This is Mack in the Morning, along with Sunny Sheila and the rest of the Jammin'102 Crew, ready to do more of what we do, which is play music for you, here on Jammin'102, the station that came with a better game. We're all set to lead it off with the mos- requested song this morning from our favorite female, who's got a freaky, funky jam that has been remixed right here in our own Jammin'102 blender, and it's slammin'.

"And since this is another 'Thousand Dollar Thursday,' we want to remind you we're ready to spread the long bread. There are three ways to win the big bread. Three ways for you to yank the long one from Jammin'102. Be the 102nd caller when we tell you, know the phrase that pays and the total number of songs that we played when we call you, or have that removable bumper sticker on your car when our Treasure Truck spots you on the road. We'll give someone another chance to grab at the green ... next.

But first, let's check the weather. Look for continued sunny and cool today, tonight and tomorrow with a chance of late-afternoon or early-evening scattered thundershowers tomorrow. Low tonight 33, high tomorrow 62, currently under sunny skies it's 51 at Jammin'102. We want to give a big shout-out to all the postal workers and dedicate this jam to them. This is new music from Mary J., a big favorite called 'When They Operated On Father, They Opened Mother's Male.' First of 10-in-a-row. Every time we start the music you always hear at least 10 jams in a row -- long versions. of course."

Any similarity between actual stations, personalities, performers or traffic reporters is purely coincidental. We hope you enjoyed our little indulgence and if you did, e-mail us and let us know and we'll do it again. We'll return to our normal mode next week.

Word.