When A Man Leaves A Woman

The Empty Male Bag

A newlywed jock in St. Claire
Figured he'd found a home there
Then his ratings went down
Now he's got to leave town
His wife's staying, says she doesn't care

Stay in this radio or music business long enough and you can expect to be laid off, transferred or terminated ... often several times in your career. It's one of the vicissitudes of the gig.

Certainly no one can deny the past few years of radio consolidation and downsizing are the major reason for the current employment crises in our industries. Large radio groups had to figure out how to manage these huge groups of stations and people, while allowing local mangers, programmers and staff the autonomy and creative freedom to do their jobs with less. The effect was a lo of many seasoned specialized broadcasters coupled with an overall stagnation of radio at a time then it needed to be more proactive in improving itself in response to listeners migrating to other audio forms.

At the same time, the Internet exploded and it took the record industry years too long to react to free downloading music sites like Napster, and a generation of music fans who grew up spending most of their time on the Internet and lot less with radio.

This time we thought we'd focus on what happens, not just to individuals, but to couples and families.

Let's take a typical situation with which we're all probably familiar. You're an on- air program director. A new company buys the station and even though your ratings are strong, the format changes and your last show was ... your last show. So now what's up with that? Well, if you're single you could always move back in with your parents. But that's a transition plan that's probably last on your list and one that's nearly impossible if you're married with children.

When Shirley Washington got a gig with a bank in April, she felt certain her husband, who had been a big-time air-personality, PD and MD, could find a job quickly in this medium-sized market with four Urban stations. She and their two young children moved from the South while he started a long-distance job hunt. Five months later, he's still looking, flying in to see his family on weekends, compliments of her parents, who want to see them stay together.

It's an all-too-familiar story and a rough one. The expenses of two households, the frustration of his job hunt and the stress of bringing young children to a new city without their father can really take its toll. Still, they say they have it easier than many other families in which the woman finds a job in a new city and the man has to keep looking.

One colleague told Shirley her husband had switched careers and finally had to settle for a lower-paying job after a year of unemployment. But her husband wasn't in radio. In other situations, the marriage ends in divorce or the husbands just aren't in the work force at all.

There are lots of people in the same or similar boats today. According to the Employee Relocation Council in Washington, about 26,000 men follow their wives to new jobs each year.

Women now make up over 16% of all transferees. That's triple the level just 10 years ago. The numbers are far higher in businesses such as banking and computers. They remained somewhat stable in the radio industry up until a few years ago, then the bottom fell out. The national average among radio personalities and programmers is much lower, but unemployment and transfers still occur quite frequently.

No one asked, "Which one of you got transferred?" said Shirley, whose job as a customer service representative for big Midwest bank chain brought her family clear across the country. "Then there's always the assumption that it was his job and then the surprise."

Shirley and her husband, Chris, decided she's led the way because her income was the family mainstay, while his background in radio seemingly offered more flexibility in finding a new job. After all, if he had to he could work Top 40, AC and even Rock. Why he'd even do news and run the board if he had to. But there were no openings and even no immediate hope of any part-time positions. Outside of Urban radio there was a line of qualified "good old boys" waiting.

At worst, such a move can create emotional upheaval for couples used to viewing the man as the leader and breadwinner. But at best, it can open new opportunities for both partners and provide a few good laughs. Moving is toughest for middle-income couples who rely on both incomes. That would include many of us in this radio and music business. Often, such families can't afford to have either member unemployed for the months it can take to find a good gig in a new city.

Even when the woman's new job pays enough for the family to live on, unemployment can be particularly hard on a man, say many experts. As children we were taught, "You're supposed to have a job all the time." It's really a blow and men tend to take it harder. Joining a support group can help a little. But the problem is that most of the people in those groups have ordinary jobs, tend to lead ordinary lives and we somehow feel even when they try their best, they simply can't relate. After all, we're really in show business.

Media coverage of this problem of "trailing spouses," while helpful, has added to the ego strain by latching on to that label. Men tend to feel that they can't stand on their own two feet and their women are dragging them along.

Reshuffling household duties can also create stress. "Men often seem more frustrated when they're the ones who must stay behind and handle the move." said Sandra Stewart of PHH Homequity, another relocation company. "They come off like 'this is women's work,'" she said.

"If I could account for my break," she said. "It would be, 'Oh she took time off, that's so wonderful' But if a man says, 'I took some time off because I wanted a better lifestyle for my family,' I don't' think people would buy into it."

Spouse Benefits

The needs of two-career couples, which apply to many in our business today, have complicated job transfers for years, but the recent surge in men following women has also brought a surge of attention to job-assistance benefits for spouses, say The Impact Group, another relocation firm.

Last year a radio family was facing transfers that affected both the husband and the wife. His company wanted to move him to Atlanta, but offered no assistance to spouses. Her company wanted to have her come to Baltimore and offered spouses the service of a placement company, plus up to a month's lost salary. Then the placement company found out he was in radio and suddenly all bets were off. But ordinarily, the benefits package would be a big part of their decision.

About one-half of all companies offer some employment aid to spouses and about one-fourth offer it to unmarried partners, according to the Employment Relocation Council. Those benefits range from help preparing resumes to full

packages that may include placement service, career and personal counseling, paid job-hunting trips and reimbursement for professional licensing fees. Many of these services were unheard of back before the recession. Now, they're just things we talk about that we wish we had.

Couples looking at a move need to be savvy enough to ask for the benefits; about half the companies provide them, but only when asked, according to the council. So before you bail out and take your last paycheck and head for the unemployment line, ask about the benefits we've described. A lot of us in this business don't know abut these services, don't ask and suffer needlessly because of this lack of knowledge.

Couples also should do a lot of talking in advance, about everything from possible emotional issues to backup plans in case the man doesn't find a full-time gig right away.

One more tip from the experts: Couples shouldn't be too hard on themselves when things get rocky. Moving, unemployment and new jobs are all stressful by themselves. Face them all at the same time, then throw in role reversal and couples are bound to face occasional arguments and low spirits.

Finally, if you're currently employed, a word of advice. Stay there until you know you've got a firm offer. Before you leave to go to that new gig, get something in writing. As tough as you may think you have it being out of work, remember

the two unemployed school teachers -- one had no principle; the other no class. Both had their work cut out from them.

Word!